Monday, January 2, 2012
My Future, My Vision
I have decided what I am going to work towards in the near future. This is how I want to live my life. I have envisioned it for years. I dream about it so often it seems so real, almost scary. Sometimes it feels like a “calling”, pulling me closer and closer. I see the pictures so clearly when I am awake, almost like I’ve lived that life before, and am being called back. Here is a bit of what is in my head.
The home was the first part of my visions. I have had the vision of this home for a few years now. It is a small farm home. Light blue in color, white picket fence surrounding the yard. When you pull up in the driveway, the first things you see are the beautiful weeping willow trees. The driveway curves a bit to lead you to the front entrance. The wrap-around porch is warm and welcoming with a large swing that dangles from above. Beside the swing is a small wooden table. On that table is the book I am currently reading and a tall glass of lemonade. It is fall so there are leaves everywhere. I don’t dare rake them up as that would just disturb the nature of things. The homemade birdhouse is busy as ever with many different kinds of birds eating their meals. If I look to the left, my dog, a Cocker Spaniel, is running around lose. No leash is needed here. There are no neighbors for miles and the streets are rarely traveled. Once you travel up the few wide steps to the door, you will notice the door is yellow. Yellow is peaceful and welcoming, and everyone who walks through my front door should have a sense of peace when they enter. It is a happy home full of warmth, love, and acceptance.
The yellow door opens to a small foyer. It is a rich mahogany hardwood floor. As soon as you enter you smell the aroma of baked goods. The foyer has a small mirror on the wall upon entering. To your left is a bench with storage below for your shoes. A long pole extends from the bench to hang your coats. To the side of the bench is a compartment for your umbrellas. It rains a lot here.
To the right is the living room. With the walls painted a dusty blue, the denim covered overstuffed couch and loveseat look inviting. The fireplace is going and keeping the room cozy. It is not cold outside, but the temperature has dropped in the last month and an old farmhouse can get pretty drafty. If you look around there is no television. Only a book-shelved wall stuffed with books I have collected through the years. Snuggled next to the wall of books is a yellow striped easy chair used for reading. A nice kerosene lamp lights the room on a dark night. On the coffee table in front of the couch you will see my home-made scrapbooks of my family. This room has the same rich mahogany flooring as in the foyer. A large area rug keeps your toes warm when walking on the floor. If you look straight ahead while sitting on the couch, you will see the kitchen. The floor plan is open and inviting. Gatherings here are nice.
The beautiful mahogany flooring continues to the kitchen area where a huge country style table awaits. There is enough seating for twelve although twelve rarely sit at one time. These extra seats are for when the kids and grand kids come over. Most days you can see an almost done puzzle on this table. I can usually be found in here baking something. I have found a new passion for baking. The locals love my baking so much I take some to the local bakery and make a bit of money. I usually bake muffins. I love a good banana bread, and sugar cookies are my favorite.
The kitchen is always sunny and bright. With the big windows on every wall, the sun pours through in the morning and continues to light the kitchen throughout the day because the house faces the North. The windows are adorned with checker print curtains. They are brick red in color just as the large circular rope rug that is beneath my feet. The whole kitchen bears that brick red color. If you look on the walls, they are decorated with old fashioned kitchen art. On one wall is a picture framed with wrought iron. In the center of the picture is a coffee cup and a small sign that says 25c a cup. On the other wall is a giant chalk board that has my to do list on it along with other things like silly pictures my grand kids drew that I don’t have the heart to erase. I don’t have much on the counter tops because I like to keep the smaller appliances tucked away in a cabinet. There are a few kick-knacks on the counters. The fridge is full of magnets and art work from the grand kids.
When you look out the kitchen window you will see a vast backyard. There are many lilac trees and when they are in bloom, I have no need for my lilac candle, as the scent from them is so overpowering the aroma just fills my home. The summer time is when I am out here the most. I do my writing out here. The sounds and smells of nature keep my senses keen while I write my next novel. I sit in my lounge chair mostly when I write, and it is next to the garden with the waterfall. The peace and tranquility I get from being out here is just what I need to get those creative juices flowing.
That is what I have so far in my vision, my dreams. I see no reason why I cannot achieve those dreams. With a bit of hard work and determination, this will happen.
Illinois holds nothing for me. Besides my Mom, sister, and a few close friends, there is nothing here for me. Dylan, my youngest, will come with me. I have two older children as well. They are more than welcome to come with me on my journey to the unknown! It is time to move on and experience new places, new faces, and new adventures.
Happy New Year! A Reflection on 2011
Well, another year has come and gone. A lot of us at this time feel that the last 12 months of our lives were not as good as it should have been. That is why a lot of people make New Year’s Resolutions. I personally do not like to make them. I try to resolve every day of the year to make things better for my family and me.
I took the time to reflect a bit today on 2011. I have come to the conclusion that I had a pretty damn good year. Early in the year I lost my job. For a while it seemed that things were going on a downward spiral and I felt that I was losing control of my life. I have three kids to support and I had to be strong. What I really wanted to do was curl in a ball and cry my eyes out. I was looking for someone to blame. After I realized that doing those things would not change my situation, I dried my eyes and began the journey to where I am today. I had to stay strong for my kids. I had to show them that when life gets you down you don’t just give up; you pick yourself right back up and carry on. Hopefully you learn from your experiences and grow, not give up.
I was looking for work and unemployed for several months. I was scared. I had rent, car payments, bills, and groceries to buy. Very few helped me even though many were aware of my situation. I am not bitter towards these people, I just know who my friends are. I am very careful with whom I help and whom I trust. It is a very small circle. In fact, I don’t think the people I trust could form a circle. That is how few there are. Funny thing though, I would help anyone in a heartbeat. And in fact I have. I don’t expect anything in return, but there is a fine line between accepting help and using someone, and I have learned the hard way. I wont stop being giving or caring, I will just be very careful as to who is the recipients are.
I finally found a job. It is a very good paying job with a good stable company. The distance is an issue, but I have learned to get used to it. Some days are better than others, but that is with anything. I work with many nice people and the benefits are excellent as well. I plan to stay there until I retire.
I am still single, but I am learning that it is okay to be single. I don’t need someone in my life to make it complete. Sure, it is nice to have someone that you can rely on and trust and someone to be there for you, I just have not found that someone yet. I will be patient and when this person enters my life, I will know.
I wish you all a Happy New Year. I wish you all find what you are looking for in life, heath, and the happiness you so deserve.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
In my last post I said that Internet dating seemed desperate. Although I still feel that statement is somewhat true, I have decided to do a bit of research on Internet dating and why it is not such a good idea. I have reactivated my account on one site. I would like to show my readers what one has to endure and deal with while having a profile.
Let’s start with building your personal profile. Dating sites have simple suggestions on choosing your profile picture. A few of the suggestions are to pick a picture that shows you smiling and having fun. After all, you will get more responses if you look as though you are a fun person to be around. Nobody wants to date “Debbie Downer.” What some people, mostly men, fail to realize is that a picture of you half naked in the bathroom is not what women want to see. We just think you are a pompous ass and move on. Most of them have no business taking their shirt off in private, let alone for the world to see. And another thing, if you are going to post a picture of you, please look at the background. Make sure there is no dirty underwear laying on the floor or your house a pigsty. Total turn off. Guys, you are selling yourself here, make it look good. First impressions count.
Next is the description of yourself. PLEASE don’t lie. If we eventually meet you and you are nothing like you described, you have wasted my time as well as your own. And guys, if you suck at spelling use a dictionary. Spell check it in Microsoft Word.
Now this is the funny one. They ask you to describe the first date. Some of you say dinner. Most women will NOT go on a first/blind date to dinner. If after the first 10 minutes of your dinner date she decides that you are just an idiot, it makes if very hard for her to end the date quickly and politely. It will feel like she is locked in to the evening until dinner is over. A movie is another bad choice. How are you going to get to know each other if you have to be silent to watch the movie?
And please, don’t say you like long walks, and cuddling, and all that stuff. No you don’t.
Stay tuned! I will have some real emails that I have received from men. You are sure to get a good laugh.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Confusion
Seems as though the emotion for me for lately has been confusion. Someone once told me that I think too much. Is that possible?
If a situation arises, I usually try to dissect it, see if there is a way I can improve it. Make it better. Instead I should just go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may and learn from that situation whether it is a good outcome or bad. I am somewhat of a control freak, so I try to control every aspect of my life. I am afraid to fail so I try my best to prevent that.
I usually am a good judge of character, but lately I have really missed the mark. I tend to be big-hearted and generous with my feelings, and this time I think I have learned my lesson. I keep saying my “wall” will stay up. I am afraid to get hurt. I know this is not good, to keep this wall up, but I think it is permanently up for good. I let it down recently and it was just as I expected. I am hurt and disappointed. It very well may have been my fault. I guess I expected things I should not have expected. Silly me.
I try to be understanding, empathetic, and a good listener. But lately I have been feeling like I am not getting the respect or attention I deserve. I think it may be a timing issue. I am ready for all that life has to offer with someone, and that person just does not seem to exist. I guess I have to be patient. I have been patient for over two years now.
Dating
Dating at this age is a real challenge. There are different obstacles that you come across. Nowadays, there is an ex involved. An ex spouse is usually more difficult than an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. That may not be a pleasant obstacle to overcome. It all depends on how long the person has been divorced to know what kind of obstacles you will endure. If someone is recently divorced, those feelings one experiences during a divorce are still very fresh. There are still unresolved feelings and jealously may be a factor. They may also still have feelings for him or her as well. You really can’t compete with that. Going through a divorce makes you experience feelings you never knew you had. Rejection, sadness, hurt, and anger are only some of the feelings. If a person has been divorced for quite a while those feeling diminish. They don’t completely go away, they never do. They are just hidden in the background of life.
I think that kids are another obstacle to overcome. At this age when you are dating, more than likely the one you are dating will have kids as well as you. This is a tough thing to manage, especially if they are still young. You don’t want to bring someone into his or her life that your not sure is going to stay in it for a while. They just experienced loss and you don’t want them to get attached to your new “friend” if it is not going to work out. They don’t need to experience loss again so soon. They also need you at this time. They need to know that they are still loved and that you will be there for them no matter what.
Sometimes I wonder why that person got divorced. Was it something they did? Did they cheat? If they did, will they always be a cheater? Was he an abuser? There are so many different factors to take into consideration it is mind-boggling. I am sure they wonder the same thing of me.
This is so different than 25 years ago. It seems that the “rules” have changed but the “games” are still the same. In today’s world, there is Internet, text messages, and instant messaging. You can get to know someone so many different ways before you actually meet him or her. I myself don’t care for Internet dating. I have been on Plenty of Fish for a while and it feels as though I am “shopping” for a man. After being on there I have decided that Internet dating is just not for me. It seems kind of desperate if you ask me. I think in order to find someone that is right for you; you should not resort to Internet dating. It will happen on its own and happen naturally. When you find that “someone” you will know. I am confident that I will find my prince charming when I least expect it. So far I have not found him. I do realize that if I am going to date, I need to make sure that person has been divorced for quite some time.
Back when we were younger, dating was fun. There was meeting someone for the first time. The electric feeling you get when you get and give that first kiss. The queasy feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. The anticipation of seeing that person and knowing they are feeling the same. I am looking forward to that feeling again. It’s been a while since I felt that and it is such a good feeling.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thank you so much!
I would like to extend a big huge thank you to someone that was a big part of my life. In fact, he was a part of my life for 17 years. I have compiled a list of things below to express my gratitude.
• Thank you for all the lies you told me. Because of that, I no longer trust anyone nor believe what anyone says.
• Thank you for the clean house I had all these years. When I am upset, I clean.
• Thank you for making me so beautiful. With the low self esteem you gave me all these years I was forced me to continually update my hair, makeup, and all the latest fashions just to get your approval which I never got.
• Thank you for the construction experience as well. You have showed me how to put up and take down my “walls” for years. Most of the time now they are up. Please refer to reason number one why they are still up.
• Thank you for all the medical bills I have. Without you in my life I would have never had the pleasure of an upper and lower GI. Stress and unhappiness can really take a toll on your body.
• Thanks for all the drinking you did too! You have really showed me what an ass I could really look like in front of my kids.
• Thanks for thinking I was hiding shit in my drawers. When you pulled out everything from them looking for “something” I may have been hiding, I have learned the patience needed to fold laundry.
• Thank you for spending all our money on booze, drugs, and motel rooms. Your spending has taught me to be very frugal.
• Thank you for being lazy and not doing anything around the house. Because of your laziness, I have learned how to use most any tool available to mankind.
• Thank you for leaving me the shitty car. Upon doing so, I have met some really nice people at the car dealership when it was in for service, and I have become closer friends to people that stood out in the cold with me to jump it when it didn’t start. Hope they are lasting friendships. Also, by leaving me the shitty car, you proved once again that you always take the better car. Now I can trade this one in for a new car, AND YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS ONE AWAY FROM ME!!
• Thank you for spending all our mortgage payment money each month on your booze, drugs, and hotel rooms. Because of that, our home almost went into foreclosure. And because you spent all that money, I was forced to short-sale it before it went into foreclosure and I was forced to move out into the most beautiful HOME I have ever lived in.
• Thank you for spending all that money all those years on booze, drugs, and hotel rooms. When you did that, it left basically nothing left for extra things. I have learned to live within my means and only buy things that are needed. I also learned how to negotiate with bill collectors and utilities when bills are late.
• Thank you for taking the new car when you drove off that day. That saved me $100 a month on a car payment.
• Thank you for losing every job you had when we were together. It really made me buckle down and make sure I kept mine. I guess someone had to provide for the family.
• Thank you for being an absent parent in mind, not body. I got to do all the enjoyable things for the kids. I got most of the kisses, hugs, and thank you’s from them. I also got the satisfaction of knowing I was doing a good job being a parent. It was exhausting and still is, but It is well worth it.
• Thank you for making me realize there is no such thing as love. Only love exists with your children and immediate family. It is not possible for a man to love. I don’t think it is their genes.
I am sure the following companies and product would also like to thank you as well. Without your help, I would not have purchased any of these items as often as I did.
• Any brand of hair color available over the counter.
• Any brand of make up.
• Cigarettes
• Pain reliever
• Tums and Rolaids
• Ace Hardware and Home Depot
• Computer spy software
• Every diet aid known in the world.
• Sleeping pills
I am also sure there are companies that would NOT like to thank you. Because of you, I don’t go to these places and spend my money. And some of them I never will.
• Bars and lounges
• Liquor stores
• Hotels and Motels
• Bridal stores. (Oh, I forgot, I never went to one EVER because there was no need to. You don’t really have bridesmaids at a court house).
Most of all, thank you so much for agreeing to the divorce. Because of the stress the divorce brought upon me, I have not looked or felt better in years. I have lost a ton of weight and have more self esteem that I have had in years. I have become a strong, frugal, and self-sufficient person because of you. Thank you my dear, without your help, I would not be what I am today.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Year’s Resolutions
Making resolutions for the New Year to me is a cop out. Usually they get broken and we don’t feel guilty for doing so. Now, if we were to make a conscience effort to make a life style change throughout the year and we didn’t follow through, the guilt would be greater. It’s all in the way we perceive things I guess. I think many of us make these resolutions with the thought that if they are broken it is okay because resolutions are made to be broken. That is why I am not making one.
I have decided though to make some major changes in my life beginning this year. For one, I am going to be more patient. It seems that everyday I wake up, there is a new challenge heading straight ahead towards me. It is usually not a good challenge, usually one that requires me to take many aspirins once it is completed. I get about three of these challenges a day, sometimes more. Yeah, they make me a stronger person, but I am seriously getting tired of them. What I have been doing is sorting out and prioritizing these “challenges.” It is like the old saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” That is just what I am going to do.
I am not going to care if the following happen:
• There are dirty dishes in the sink
• There is dust on my T.V. (It’s a piece of shit anyway)
• Someone’s dirty laundry is all over the floor
• The carpet needs vacuuming
• Overdue bills
• The kids arguing about stupid shit as usual
What I AM going to care about is the following:
• There is a roof over me and my kids’ heads
• There is food in the fridge
• All my bills are paid, whether or not they are current does not matter anymore.
• I tuck my kids in at night
• I can feed my kids
• I am able to help them with their homework
• I listen to their day
• I listen to their fears, dreams, and anything else they want to tell me. And I will look at them when they talk
• I will actively listen to my kids and not think about anything else.
• I will love my children unconditionally, which I always have but now I am going to show it more often.
So, since I have been doing this, my house is a wreck, I learned more about my kids, and I feel a lot better physically and mentally.
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