The Holidays     

 

Ah, the holidays are upon us. It only seems like yesterday I was lying beside the pool watching my son swim. This is the time of year that I dread.  Only recently have I started feeling this way. I remember past holidays being a wonderful and fulfilling time with my family. As a kid, I looked forward to this time of year. I loved going shopping and trying to find that perfect gift for someone. Whether it was for my parents or sisters, I put in a lot of effort and thought into finding that perfect gift. There is nothing more pleasing than watching someone open a gift from you and it is something they really wanted.

When I was married and my children were younger, it was a stressful but great time of year. Between deciding whose house we were going to on which day, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, and having enough money to spend on our kids and family. Things were always tight. But, we managed and did the best we could. Everyone seemed to be happy and not too concerned with what they received, they were just happy to be together as a family. I cherish those days. When I look back at that time, it brings a smile to my face a warms my heart.

Well, the last six years has been a lot different than when I was a kid or when I was married. There are no in-laws to go to and the kids have grown. Their interest in Christmas is not the same as it was when they were little. Gone are the toys and coloring books. Gone is the sparkle in their eyes when they see the tree all lit up with presents underneath on Christmas morning.  Gone is my whole family together on Christmas morning. Gone is my desire to enjoy the holiday season. As my family drifts apart and each one starts to have their own life, I find myself alone at times. Sometimes I cherish my alone time. But other times, I wish I had someone to share these holidays with. I know that someday there will be someone special in my life besides my kids, and I will just wait patiently for him to arrive…… maybe he will be under the Christmas tree one year.

                  
                  Thankful on thanksgiving…… and all year ‘round                               

Some say Thanksgiving is the time to give thanks and reflect on what you  are thankful for. I say we should do this every day, not just on Thanksgiving. Here are some things I am thankful for.

·         My life. I am thankful every day that I wake up in the morning. It is a fresh start, a chance to improve my life and better myself.  

·         My children. Without them, I would not know how to love unconditionally.

·         My job. Although most days I loathe my job and hate the commute, I am glad I have one. There have been many months I was without a job.

·         My house. It is not my dream home that is for sure, but I have made it my own. I have made it a safe haven for me and my children.

·         My mom. I am very thankful that she is still with me. She has become my best friend and has been there for me so much over the years. I honestly think that if it were not for her, I would be in a far worse situation than I am in now.

I try to remember what I am thankful every day. I was told that I always see the “good” in things and always see the silver lining. I have to, otherwise I would not survive this crazy thing we call life.

 

The Long Distance Relationship

I never gave LDR’s much thought until recently. Someone from my past contacted me on Face Book and mentioned how he would date me in a second if he lived here in Illinois. After a string of horrible dates I was flattered. After chatting for a few weeks he agreed to fly into Illinois to see me. I was skeptical and all, I mean, a LDR? How could this possibly work? He assured me that if things clicked between us, we would find a way to see each other and make it work. I believed him. So he came every other weekend for a few months. The anticipation of him coming would drive me crazy. I could not wait to see this man. The days that followed his leaving left me lonely and sad. The few months that we shared together were a pool of many emotions. I tried to keep busy with work, the kids, and everyday activities to keep my mind off him until his next visit. It was difficult. Text messages, phone call, and the occasional Skype is what kept me going. What also kept me going was the fact that he said he loved me. I thought for sure this one was the “one.” I mean really, who would fly hundreds of miles to see me? Someone who loved me and cared, right? Little did I know I was  wrong.

How could I have been so blind? They say love is blind, but I feel like an idiot for falling for this guy’s lines and actions. How can someone so blatantly treat someone this bad? How could someone take advantage of someone and their feelings the way he did? I know how. The only way someone, a human, can do this to another person is just plain hate and cruelty. It is premeditated hurt. This type of person singles out someone that they feel will fall for their lies. Then they reel them in for the “kill.” I am having a hard time understanding what kind of sick pleasure one would derive from this behavior. I don’t understand how a person can look at another person in the eyes and say “I love you” and KNOW that they are not being honest. That is just plain cruel. How can he watch me fall so in love and be laughing inside knowing what he has planned?

In early July while driving with my kids, my phone buzzed with a text message. When the opportunity came to view it, I was pretty shocked at who it was. It was the man that broke my heart. I was not sure if I wanted to answer, so I put the phone down. I thought about what I would say in my reply. Would I be mean? Would I just keep my text messages back to him short and simple? Or do I just ignore him? Remembering the way he treated me my first instinct was to ignore him. After I thought about that option, I came to realize that if I ignored his text I would be stooping to his level and I am better than that. So we chatted. I kept my answers short and simple keeping my heart out of the conversation. He proceeded to tell me how wrong he was about me/us and he asked if I would give him another chance. I was hesitant at first but then agreed. I figured “what did I have to lose?” I told him I would be a “hard sell” that what he did to be destroyed any faith I had in men and love. He said he wanted a chance to restore my faith in men and love. Again, I agreed. We made plans for him to come to town and I agreed to let him stay with me. Instead of the usual three day visit, he stayed for six days. I knew this visit of his would make or break us. This was the ultimate test to see if we were still compatible and if I still had feelings for him.

The moment I picked him up from the airport and he got in the car, I knew it was all wrong. I thought maybe my resentment towards him was rearing its ugly head and decided to push those feelings away and give it a shot. I wanted to go in this with an open mind but a closed heart. There was absolutely no way I was going to allow him in my heart again. The drive home was quiet and uncomfortable. I felt that I was in charge of the conversations and this continued the whole time he was here. If I did not talk, there usually wasn’t much of a conversation. It became exhausting. What was even more unnerving was the fact that he was not too interested in doing anything else but hang out with me and the kids in the house. By the third day, I felt like an old married couple. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out at home with the kids and it is even nicer when you are with someone you love, but when you are in the beginning stages of a relationship and are trying to get to know each other, you do things together that are fun and interesting to get to know one another better. You share interests.  With him, it seemed like we skipped all the romance and dating and got right down to the “old married couple.”

The drive to the airport on the last day was just as uneventful if not more uncomfortable that the first day when I picked him up. He mentioned coming back in a few weeks and we both agreed that we would discuss this in further detail later. We said our good-byes and off I was. Not ten minutes later I received a text from him. He thanked me, said he could not wait to see me again, and said he loved me. I replied with a simple “You’re welcome.”

After further thought about the past few days, I decided that I was not interested in him or the life that he could offer me/us. The time spent with him was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future with him. That was not how I wanted my life to be. So, back to single life for me….. until next time!

 

 

The Missing Piece

 

     For the longest time I felt as though something was missing in my life. I struggled for many years to find out what it was. I had many missing things in my life, but there was one thing missing that would make me complete. I have always had issues fitting in. I always felt like I did not belong. This was a feeling I had early in life; back in High School. I did crazy things to fit in. Things I would not normally do and not in my character. I did these things to fit in, to feel wanted and liked. I guess you can say I had low self-esteem and somewhat do today as well. I carried these issues into my 20’s and married. I married because I thought I would never be able to find anyone else and did not want to be alone. Slowly I realized this and took action and filed for divorce. I thought the missing piece was a man that loved me. So since my divorce, I have been trying to find that man. I think I realized that finding a man was NOT the missing piece. The men never satisfied that empty space I lacked.  Finding MYSELF was the missing piece. I lost myself years ago when I allowed myself to abandon my own self and conform to what others wanted and what others needed. Along the way, I buried my real self deep down somewhere in a place that is so deep I am finding it impossible to recover. I had my kids and my friends to fill that void and keep me busy. I worked full time and managed a house and my kids. Being this busy would not allow me to think about myself and what I needed. Sure, I would go out with friends and family, but it seemed like I was just going through the motions. Almost like a robot, not really living my life or enjoying it.

     With the arrival of the New Year, I have had time to reflect not only the past year, but others as well. I have thought about what I have and what I don’t have, and where I can improve my life. I don’t have a lot as far as material things which is fine with me. I am not into material things. I have been without them all my life and I have no interest in having them. I am a pretty simple girl. I want family, a home, warmth, and most of all; to love and be loved. I have a good job that pays better than others, three healthy children, and a roof over my head, and I am able to afford a few luxuries. With all of this I am richer than others. This brings me to the missing piece. I think I have finally found it. Since I am unable to help others with money, I have decided to help others with my time. After a bit of research I have decided to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I feel that the satisfaction of volunteering may be the missing piece I have been looking for quite some time—to help others UNCONDITIONALLY.  Just the action of researching this and thinking about helping in this way has brought some sense of calm to my crazy world.

'Tis The Season

     The Holiday’s are fast approaching. It seems like they arrive a lot sooner than they did when I was younger. Long gone are the days of counting down until Christmas morning when you awake to find gifts from “Santa” under the tree. Long gone are the days of innocence and childhood bliss. For most adults Holiday’s bring stress.

      As we all enter this Holiday Season, let’s take time to think about others. I am not referring to what to get them for that “perfect gift.” I mean the others that are struggling and suffering this year. People and families in need are hard to identify. They may have a lot, things they acquired when they were working, so you may look at them and think they are well off, doing fine, and happy.  Maybe they lost a job, or lost a loved one that was the sole provider for their family. Maybe one of their children is very sick and they are buried under a ton of medical bills.

      Some people are more proud these days and hide their issues; they don’t talk about them for fear of ridicule or embarrassment. They won’t ask for help. They hide behind their laughs, smiles, and then cry in private, wondering what to do.

      All I ask this time of year from all of you is to be more aware of the people around you. Don’t be so judgmental of others and caught up in yourself and YOUR life and make a difference in someone else’s life. You can’t judge a book by its cover. So when you see that lady in the grocery store with the big diamond ring, and nice clothes, don’t assume she is happy, rich, loving life and not suffering. She may have lost her husband not too long ago and is lonely, depressed, sad, and wondering where her next gallon of milk is going to come from because she has not worked in years.  

      Remember, someone always has it worse than you. I have to remind myself of that every day. Thank God you have what you have. Whether it is your job, your home, or your kids. It could be worse. And don’t do this just around the Holiday’s, do it all year round.

End of Summer

I am finding it hard to believe that summer is almost over. School has started and the hot weather we had all summer long has finally broken. The end of summer and the arrival of fall always give me a sense of warmth and content. I am looking forward to the crisp air of fall, the falling leaves, and the smell that is associated with it. A warm sweater and my favorite pair of boots are always comforting, as well as a warm cup of tea out on the porch with my favorite book.
Fall welcomes the arrival of Halloween, pumpkin farms, and long drives to see the beautiful vivid colors. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing the changes nature brings.

My Future, My Vision

I have decided what I am going to work towards in the near future. This is how I want to live my life. I have envisioned it for years. I dream about it so often it seems so real, almost scary. Sometimes it feels like a “calling”, pulling me closer and closer. I see the pictures so clearly when I am awake, almost like I’ve lived that life before, and am being called back. Here is a bit of what is in my head.


The home was the first part of my visions. I have had the vision of this home for a few years now. It is a small farm home. Light blue in color, white picket fence surrounding the yard. When you pull up in the driveway, the first things you see are the beautiful weeping willow trees. The driveway curves a bit to lead you to the front entrance. The wrap-around porch is warm and welcoming with a large swing that dangles from above. Beside the swing is a small wooden table. On that table is the book I am currently reading and a tall glass of lemonade. It is fall so there are leaves everywhere. I don’t dare rake them up as that would just disturb the nature of things. The homemade birdhouse is busy as ever with many different kinds of birds eating their meals. If I look to the left, my dog, a Cocker Spaniel, is running around lose. No leash is needed here. There are no neighbors for miles and the streets are rarely traveled. Once you travel up the few wide steps to the door, you will notice the door is yellow. Yellow is peaceful and welcoming, and everyone who walks through my front door should have a sense of peace when they enter. It is a happy home full of warmth, love, and acceptance.

The yellow door opens to a small foyer. It is a rich mahogany hardwood floor. As soon as you enter you smell the aroma of baked goods. The foyer has a small mirror on the wall upon entering. To your left is a bench with storage below for your shoes. A long pole extends from the bench to hang your coats. To the side of the bench is a compartment for your umbrellas. It rains a lot here.

To the right is the living room. With the walls painted a dusty blue, the denim covered overstuffed couch and loveseat look inviting. The fireplace is going and keeping the room cozy. It is not cold outside, but the temperature has dropped in the last month and an old farmhouse can get pretty drafty. If you look around there is no television. Only a book-shelved wall stuffed with books I have collected through the years. Snuggled next to the wall of books is a yellow striped easy chair used for reading. A nice kerosene lamp lights the room on a dark night. On the coffee table in front of the couch you will see my home-made scrapbooks of my family. This room has the same rich mahogany flooring as in the foyer. A large area rug keeps your toes warm when walking on the floor. If you look straight ahead while sitting on the couch, you will see the kitchen. The floor plan is open and inviting. Gatherings here are nice.

The beautiful mahogany flooring continues to the kitchen area where a huge country style table awaits. There is enough seating for twelve although twelve rarely sit at one time. These extra seats are for when the kids and grand kids come over. Most days you can see an almost done puzzle on this table. I can usually be found in here baking something. I have found a new passion for baking. The locals love my baking so much I take some to the local bakery and make a bit of money. I usually bake muffins. I love a good banana bread, and sugar cookies are my favorite.

The kitchen is always sunny and bright. With the big windows on every wall, the sun pours through in the morning and continues to light the kitchen throughout the day because the house faces the North. The windows are adorned with checker print curtains. They are brick red in color just as the large circular rope rug that is beneath my feet. The whole kitchen bears that brick red color. If you look on the walls, they are decorated with old fashioned kitchen art. On one wall is a picture framed with wrought iron. In the center of the picture is a coffee cup and a small sign that says 25c a cup. On the other wall is a giant chalk board that has my to do list on it along with other things like silly pictures my grand kids drew that I don’t have the heart to erase. I don’t have much on the counter tops because I like to keep the smaller appliances tucked away in a cabinet. There are a few kick-knacks on the counters. The fridge is full of magnets and art work from the grand kids.

When you look out the kitchen window you will see a vast backyard. There are many lilac trees and when they are in bloom, I have no need for my lilac candle, as the scent from them is so overpowering the aroma just fills my home. The summer time is when I am out here the most. I do my writing out here. The sounds and smells of nature keep my senses keen while I write my next novel. I sit in my lounge chair mostly when I write, and it is next to the garden with the waterfall. The peace and tranquility I get from being out here is just what I need to get those creative juices flowing.

That is what I have so far in my vision, my dreams. I see no reason why I cannot achieve those dreams. With a bit of hard work and determination, this will happen.

Illinois holds nothing for me. Besides my Mom, sister, and a few close friends, there is nothing here for me. Dylan, my youngest, will come with me. I have two older children as well. They are more than welcome to come with me on my journey to the unknown! It is time to move on and experience new places, new faces, and new adventures.