I am not alone

   I have had this idea for a story for a bit in my head. To tell you the truth, I was struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I went to a mobile food bank and accepted free food. I used to think this was only for the poor, homeless, or jobless. But now I see I am wrong. I am glad I went because I know I am not alone and I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. In fact, going has made me realize that I need to volunteer in the very near future to help others in need just like me. The volunteers that were there were amazing. They made you feel comfortable, probably knowing how you felt just being there. The kids that volunteered were amazing as well. They offered assistance in every possible way.


   I have always been the type of person that needed to be in control. Ask my ex husband. I have also been the type of person that feels the need to take care of everyone and everything. I imagine that has a lot to do with wanting to be in control. Of course, it may also have to do with the fact that my mother pretty made me into a self-sufficient person since I was 13.

   I have always had to rely on myself because when there were times I had to rely on others, they were unreliable. So I have learned the lesson, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” And I have been living by that lesson for many, many years.

   This could be a good thing or bad thing. Since I have come to rely on no one but myself, I have become a very strong woman. I know what I want, and I know what I don’t want. I am able to face almost any challenge in life that is thrown at me with patience and dignity. I will not back down to a challenge. In fact, I welcome a challenge. It gets my blood going.

That was the good thing.

   Another reason I don’t like to accept help from people is that I think they expect something back in return. I feel that the only reason some people help is because they think they will get something out of it. I could be wrong. But I don’t want to find out.

   The bad thing is that I won’t let someone do something for me. I don’t like help around the house because my standards are a bit high in that area. That is something I am working on. When someone offers me help I usually do not accept it because I see it as a sign of failure, a personal failure.

   I also tend to push people away. I don’t trust too many people and that stems from being hurt by others and lied to. I used to trust someone full-heartedly until they did something to break that trust, now it is the other way around. I just cannot afford to get hurt anymore. The last few years of my life have taught me to take care of myself and my family and to trust no one. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but it is right for me right now. And I am not embarassed, ashamed, or feel guilty about going to a food bank. I will go again. I have to feed my family. And when this hard time of mine is over and done with, I will give back to the community that gave so much to me in a time of need.