I am not alone

   I have had this idea for a story for a bit in my head. To tell you the truth, I was struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I went to a mobile food bank and accepted free food. I used to think this was only for the poor, homeless, or jobless. But now I see I am wrong. I am glad I went because I know I am not alone and I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. In fact, going has made me realize that I need to volunteer in the very near future to help others in need just like me. The volunteers that were there were amazing. They made you feel comfortable, probably knowing how you felt just being there. The kids that volunteered were amazing as well. They offered assistance in every possible way.


   I have always been the type of person that needed to be in control. Ask my ex husband. I have also been the type of person that feels the need to take care of everyone and everything. I imagine that has a lot to do with wanting to be in control. Of course, it may also have to do with the fact that my mother pretty made me into a self-sufficient person since I was 13.

   I have always had to rely on myself because when there were times I had to rely on others, they were unreliable. So I have learned the lesson, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” And I have been living by that lesson for many, many years.

   This could be a good thing or bad thing. Since I have come to rely on no one but myself, I have become a very strong woman. I know what I want, and I know what I don’t want. I am able to face almost any challenge in life that is thrown at me with patience and dignity. I will not back down to a challenge. In fact, I welcome a challenge. It gets my blood going.

That was the good thing.

   Another reason I don’t like to accept help from people is that I think they expect something back in return. I feel that the only reason some people help is because they think they will get something out of it. I could be wrong. But I don’t want to find out.

   The bad thing is that I won’t let someone do something for me. I don’t like help around the house because my standards are a bit high in that area. That is something I am working on. When someone offers me help I usually do not accept it because I see it as a sign of failure, a personal failure.

   I also tend to push people away. I don’t trust too many people and that stems from being hurt by others and lied to. I used to trust someone full-heartedly until they did something to break that trust, now it is the other way around. I just cannot afford to get hurt anymore. The last few years of my life have taught me to take care of myself and my family and to trust no one. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but it is right for me right now. And I am not embarassed, ashamed, or feel guilty about going to a food bank. I will go again. I have to feed my family. And when this hard time of mine is over and done with, I will give back to the community that gave so much to me in a time of need.

Job Applications

    I’m not sure if any of you recently had to find a job lately. I find that it is a real pain in the ass lately. I remember when I was younger all you had to do was go to the company you wanted to apply at and request an application. You sat there and filled it out or you took it home filled it out and brought it back. If you were lucky you were able to see a supervisor or someone from Human Resources at the time you handed it in. Otherwise, they gave you that canned line “They will review your application. If they are interested, they will give you a call.” I was ok with that. I would always follow up in a few days to check the status of my application.


    Now it is more “convenient” to fill out an application online for most if not all companies. Sure, this is convenient for some. You can sit around in your jammies and fill out a ton of applications rather than traipsing around town to many places wasting your gas.

    I myself find online applications to be a big time waster. To fill out a paper application probably takes about 20 minutes depending on how many pages there are. I have been trying to find a second job for about a month now. Out of all the places I have applied online, the fastest one I finished took me about 45 minutes. Finding a job is a part-time job and I don’t seem to have time to do this with a full-time job.

    My favorite parts of the online applications are the “survey questionnaires.” Are they kidding me? They ask at least 50 questions about yourself and what you would do or not do in certain situations. Your answers are supposed to determine what kind of person you are, your personality. Most of these questions are repeats of the previous question three pages back, just worded differently. And it seems as though some of those questions are double negative questions. For example: “I almost never always get the job done neatly.” Really? Then they ask this about 15 questions later: “I always finish my work in a neat and timely manner.” I get a headache by the time I reach question 25.

    I myself would rather meet the prospective employee in person to determine if they have the qualities I am looking for in an employee instead of some stupid ass questionnaire. Anyone can lie on that. Do they, the companies, actually believe that people are answering them honestly? Do they think that by asking the same question but wording it differently will throw off a liar? Sounds like a game to me. With so many people out or work and needing jobs, that is a very rotten game to be playing.

Bill Collector

   Ahh, we all love to pick up the phone when these people call. I myself look at the caller ID and decide whether I am in the mood or not. You see, I have them calling all the time. It seems that divorce has left me with some unpaid bills, and unforeseen medical procedures for my son have left me with a hefty bill.

   I really can’t afford to pay them anything at this time. Putting food on my table for my family is my priority right now. I am sure they don’t understand that. If I have a bit to spare, I will talk to them and make arrangements.

   I have decided that when I am all caught up with things and am able to pay them more, I am going to call them. I am going to call them at lunch time, since they call me at dinner time. I am going to call them every three hours to tell them I am going to make a payment. I will call them many times a day to tell them this. Heck, they call ME many times a day to see when I am going to pay; I figure I would give them the same respect they give me. I have also decided that I am going to tell them up front that this call may be recorded or monitored for training purposes. If they ask who I am training, I will say my dog. End of story.