The Missing Piece

 

     For the longest time I felt as though something was missing in my life. I struggled for many years to find out what it was. I had many missing things in my life, but there was one thing missing that would make me complete. I have always had issues fitting in. I always felt like I did not belong. This was a feeling I had early in life; back in High School. I did crazy things to fit in. Things I would not normally do and not in my character. I did these things to fit in, to feel wanted and liked. I guess you can say I had low self-esteem and somewhat do today as well. I carried these issues into my 20’s and married. I married because I thought I would never be able to find anyone else and did not want to be alone. Slowly I realized this and took action and filed for divorce. I thought the missing piece was a man that loved me. So since my divorce, I have been trying to find that man. I think I realized that finding a man was NOT the missing piece. The men never satisfied that empty space I lacked.  Finding MYSELF was the missing piece. I lost myself years ago when I allowed myself to abandon my own self and conform to what others wanted and what others needed. Along the way, I buried my real self deep down somewhere in a place that is so deep I am finding it impossible to recover. I had my kids and my friends to fill that void and keep me busy. I worked full time and managed a house and my kids. Being this busy would not allow me to think about myself and what I needed. Sure, I would go out with friends and family, but it seemed like I was just going through the motions. Almost like a robot, not really living my life or enjoying it.

     With the arrival of the New Year, I have had time to reflect not only the past year, but others as well. I have thought about what I have and what I don’t have, and where I can improve my life. I don’t have a lot as far as material things which is fine with me. I am not into material things. I have been without them all my life and I have no interest in having them. I am a pretty simple girl. I want family, a home, warmth, and most of all; to love and be loved. I have a good job that pays better than others, three healthy children, and a roof over my head, and I am able to afford a few luxuries. With all of this I am richer than others. This brings me to the missing piece. I think I have finally found it. Since I am unable to help others with money, I have decided to help others with my time. After a bit of research I have decided to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I feel that the satisfaction of volunteering may be the missing piece I have been looking for quite some time—to help others UNCONDITIONALLY.  Just the action of researching this and thinking about helping in this way has brought some sense of calm to my crazy world.