A Day in the life of being unemployed

They say you go through many stages when you are fired or laid off. I agree with some of them. However, I don’t agree with the time spent on each stage. We are all different and we deal with things very differently.

Day One:

It is funny how “what a difference a day makes” rings true. I thought my Monday was like any other Monday. You know, horrible as usual.  Boy, I was not prepared for how horrible it became. After I was told I was laid off, confusion set in immediately. You wonder, “Did I just hear what I think I heard?” After the initial cloud clears and you realize that what you heard was correct, the confusion still lingers but is overpowered by anger immediately. Anger that festers as the supervisor is hovering over you while you clean out your desk. God forbid I take the stapler.  

After I gathered my things, I left. It was difficult driving home trying to focus through the tears of sadness, anger, and joy. Joy you ask? Yes, I really did not like my job. In fact, I really don’t like the field I am in. But that is beside the point; I wouldn’t have left this job if I did not have a new one lined up.

Thankfully, I made it home. I immediately applied for unemployment and whatever benefits I could. I knew I would need as much help as possible as I was still not receiving child support. This is going to be tough………

 

Not just your average Monday

 

          Monday morning I walked into work. It was just like any other Monday, but this particular Monday I was feeling pretty good. Christmas was coming up. Although my daughter would not be here for Christmas, I was somewhat looking forward to it. Money is always a problem and I always struggle at this time of year, always wondering where I am going to get money to buy gifts for my kids and my family. As I look back over the years, it has always worked out. But this Monday sure tested my faith.

As I was waiting for my computer to boot up, I walked to the printer to get my work. On my way to the printer I said my “Hi’s” to all the girls in the office. As I turned to go back to my desk, my manager and a supervisor from the corporate office wanted to talk to me in the conference room. As soon as he said “This is going to be difficult to say”, I knew what was coming. What I did not expect were the lies. When someone lies, they think you are stupid enough to believe them. I think that upsets me more than the lie itself.

How do I know they were lies? Maybe it was the way he was sweating bullets when he told me it was because of my write-ups. The last one was back in June. Maybe it was the way he was shaking like he was in the middle of a seizure when he told me the customer was requesting a “Personnel change”, or maybe it was the way neither one of them could look me in the face. I had no idea this was coming. I never called in sick, and when I was sick I would work from home. All my days off were scheduled days off. I even had left over vacation time and personal time that I was told to use by the end of the year. I always asked if anyone needed help. I also asked for additional training on different things, but everyone was too busy to train me. I am not saying I was a perfect employee. No one is. We all make mistakes. But this was unacceptable. More unacceptable was the fact that they could not wait until after the Holiday’s.

 

So, here I am again. Facing unemployment. This is how it is in transportation….. time to find a new career.

 

 

                 The Holidays     

 

Ah, the holidays are upon us. It only seems like yesterday I was lying beside the pool watching my son swim. This is the time of year that I dread.  Only recently have I started feeling this way. I remember past holidays being a wonderful and fulfilling time with my family. As a kid, I looked forward to this time of year. I loved going shopping and trying to find that perfect gift for someone. Whether it was for my parents or sisters, I put in a lot of effort and thought into finding that perfect gift. There is nothing more pleasing than watching someone open a gift from you and it is something they really wanted.

When I was married and my children were younger, it was a stressful but great time of year. Between deciding whose house we were going to on which day, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, and having enough money to spend on our kids and family. Things were always tight. But, we managed and did the best we could. Everyone seemed to be happy and not too concerned with what they received, they were just happy to be together as a family. I cherish those days. When I look back at that time, it brings a smile to my face a warms my heart.

Well, the last six years has been a lot different than when I was a kid or when I was married. There are no in-laws to go to and the kids have grown. Their interest in Christmas is not the same as it was when they were little. Gone are the toys and coloring books. Gone is the sparkle in their eyes when they see the tree all lit up with presents underneath on Christmas morning.  Gone is my whole family together on Christmas morning. Gone is my desire to enjoy the holiday season. As my family drifts apart and each one starts to have their own life, I find myself alone at times. Sometimes I cherish my alone time. But other times, I wish I had someone to share these holidays with. I know that someday there will be someone special in my life besides my kids, and I will just wait patiently for him to arrive…… maybe he will be under the Christmas tree one year.

                  
                  Thankful on thanksgiving…… and all year ‘round                               

Some say Thanksgiving is the time to give thanks and reflect on what you  are thankful for. I say we should do this every day, not just on Thanksgiving. Here are some things I am thankful for.

·         My life. I am thankful every day that I wake up in the morning. It is a fresh start, a chance to improve my life and better myself.  

·         My children. Without them, I would not know how to love unconditionally.

·         My job. Although most days I loathe my job and hate the commute, I am glad I have one. There have been many months I was without a job.

·         My house. It is not my dream home that is for sure, but I have made it my own. I have made it a safe haven for me and my children.

·         My mom. I am very thankful that she is still with me. She has become my best friend and has been there for me so much over the years. I honestly think that if it were not for her, I would be in a far worse situation than I am in now.

I try to remember what I am thankful every day. I was told that I always see the “good” in things and always see the silver lining. I have to, otherwise I would not survive this crazy thing we call life.

 

The Long Distance Relationship

I never gave LDR’s much thought until recently. Someone from my past contacted me on Face Book and mentioned how he would date me in a second if he lived here in Illinois. After a string of horrible dates I was flattered. After chatting for a few weeks he agreed to fly into Illinois to see me. I was skeptical and all, I mean, a LDR? How could this possibly work? He assured me that if things clicked between us, we would find a way to see each other and make it work. I believed him. So he came every other weekend for a few months. The anticipation of him coming would drive me crazy. I could not wait to see this man. The days that followed his leaving left me lonely and sad. The few months that we shared together were a pool of many emotions. I tried to keep busy with work, the kids, and everyday activities to keep my mind off him until his next visit. It was difficult. Text messages, phone call, and the occasional Skype is what kept me going. What also kept me going was the fact that he said he loved me. I thought for sure this one was the “one.” I mean really, who would fly hundreds of miles to see me? Someone who loved me and cared, right? Little did I know I was  wrong.

How could I have been so blind? They say love is blind, but I feel like an idiot for falling for this guy’s lines and actions. How can someone so blatantly treat someone this bad? How could someone take advantage of someone and their feelings the way he did? I know how. The only way someone, a human, can do this to another person is just plain hate and cruelty. It is premeditated hurt. This type of person singles out someone that they feel will fall for their lies. Then they reel them in for the “kill.” I am having a hard time understanding what kind of sick pleasure one would derive from this behavior. I don’t understand how a person can look at another person in the eyes and say “I love you” and KNOW that they are not being honest. That is just plain cruel. How can he watch me fall so in love and be laughing inside knowing what he has planned?

In early July while driving with my kids, my phone buzzed with a text message. When the opportunity came to view it, I was pretty shocked at who it was. It was the man that broke my heart. I was not sure if I wanted to answer, so I put the phone down. I thought about what I would say in my reply. Would I be mean? Would I just keep my text messages back to him short and simple? Or do I just ignore him? Remembering the way he treated me my first instinct was to ignore him. After I thought about that option, I came to realize that if I ignored his text I would be stooping to his level and I am better than that. So we chatted. I kept my answers short and simple keeping my heart out of the conversation. He proceeded to tell me how wrong he was about me/us and he asked if I would give him another chance. I was hesitant at first but then agreed. I figured “what did I have to lose?” I told him I would be a “hard sell” that what he did to be destroyed any faith I had in men and love. He said he wanted a chance to restore my faith in men and love. Again, I agreed. We made plans for him to come to town and I agreed to let him stay with me. Instead of the usual three day visit, he stayed for six days. I knew this visit of his would make or break us. This was the ultimate test to see if we were still compatible and if I still had feelings for him.

The moment I picked him up from the airport and he got in the car, I knew it was all wrong. I thought maybe my resentment towards him was rearing its ugly head and decided to push those feelings away and give it a shot. I wanted to go in this with an open mind but a closed heart. There was absolutely no way I was going to allow him in my heart again. The drive home was quiet and uncomfortable. I felt that I was in charge of the conversations and this continued the whole time he was here. If I did not talk, there usually wasn’t much of a conversation. It became exhausting. What was even more unnerving was the fact that he was not too interested in doing anything else but hang out with me and the kids in the house. By the third day, I felt like an old married couple. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out at home with the kids and it is even nicer when you are with someone you love, but when you are in the beginning stages of a relationship and are trying to get to know each other, you do things together that are fun and interesting to get to know one another better. You share interests.  With him, it seemed like we skipped all the romance and dating and got right down to the “old married couple.”

The drive to the airport on the last day was just as uneventful if not more uncomfortable that the first day when I picked him up. He mentioned coming back in a few weeks and we both agreed that we would discuss this in further detail later. We said our good-byes and off I was. Not ten minutes later I received a text from him. He thanked me, said he could not wait to see me again, and said he loved me. I replied with a simple “You’re welcome.”

After further thought about the past few days, I decided that I was not interested in him or the life that he could offer me/us. The time spent with him was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future with him. That was not how I wanted my life to be. So, back to single life for me….. until next time!

 

 

The Missing Piece

 

     For the longest time I felt as though something was missing in my life. I struggled for many years to find out what it was. I had many missing things in my life, but there was one thing missing that would make me complete. I have always had issues fitting in. I always felt like I did not belong. This was a feeling I had early in life; back in High School. I did crazy things to fit in. Things I would not normally do and not in my character. I did these things to fit in, to feel wanted and liked. I guess you can say I had low self-esteem and somewhat do today as well. I carried these issues into my 20’s and married. I married because I thought I would never be able to find anyone else and did not want to be alone. Slowly I realized this and took action and filed for divorce. I thought the missing piece was a man that loved me. So since my divorce, I have been trying to find that man. I think I realized that finding a man was NOT the missing piece. The men never satisfied that empty space I lacked.  Finding MYSELF was the missing piece. I lost myself years ago when I allowed myself to abandon my own self and conform to what others wanted and what others needed. Along the way, I buried my real self deep down somewhere in a place that is so deep I am finding it impossible to recover. I had my kids and my friends to fill that void and keep me busy. I worked full time and managed a house and my kids. Being this busy would not allow me to think about myself and what I needed. Sure, I would go out with friends and family, but it seemed like I was just going through the motions. Almost like a robot, not really living my life or enjoying it.

     With the arrival of the New Year, I have had time to reflect not only the past year, but others as well. I have thought about what I have and what I don’t have, and where I can improve my life. I don’t have a lot as far as material things which is fine with me. I am not into material things. I have been without them all my life and I have no interest in having them. I am a pretty simple girl. I want family, a home, warmth, and most of all; to love and be loved. I have a good job that pays better than others, three healthy children, and a roof over my head, and I am able to afford a few luxuries. With all of this I am richer than others. This brings me to the missing piece. I think I have finally found it. Since I am unable to help others with money, I have decided to help others with my time. After a bit of research I have decided to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I feel that the satisfaction of volunteering may be the missing piece I have been looking for quite some time—to help others UNCONDITIONALLY.  Just the action of researching this and thinking about helping in this way has brought some sense of calm to my crazy world.

'Tis The Season

     The Holiday’s are fast approaching. It seems like they arrive a lot sooner than they did when I was younger. Long gone are the days of counting down until Christmas morning when you awake to find gifts from “Santa” under the tree. Long gone are the days of innocence and childhood bliss. For most adults Holiday’s bring stress.

      As we all enter this Holiday Season, let’s take time to think about others. I am not referring to what to get them for that “perfect gift.” I mean the others that are struggling and suffering this year. People and families in need are hard to identify. They may have a lot, things they acquired when they were working, so you may look at them and think they are well off, doing fine, and happy.  Maybe they lost a job, or lost a loved one that was the sole provider for their family. Maybe one of their children is very sick and they are buried under a ton of medical bills.

      Some people are more proud these days and hide their issues; they don’t talk about them for fear of ridicule or embarrassment. They won’t ask for help. They hide behind their laughs, smiles, and then cry in private, wondering what to do.

      All I ask this time of year from all of you is to be more aware of the people around you. Don’t be so judgmental of others and caught up in yourself and YOUR life and make a difference in someone else’s life. You can’t judge a book by its cover. So when you see that lady in the grocery store with the big diamond ring, and nice clothes, don’t assume she is happy, rich, loving life and not suffering. She may have lost her husband not too long ago and is lonely, depressed, sad, and wondering where her next gallon of milk is going to come from because she has not worked in years.  

      Remember, someone always has it worse than you. I have to remind myself of that every day. Thank God you have what you have. Whether it is your job, your home, or your kids. It could be worse. And don’t do this just around the Holiday’s, do it all year round.